How Difficult Can This Be?

Once upon a time there was this good-looking over-confident guy who thought he could run.  “How difficult can this (running) be?”  He quickly discovered the best that could be done was a few hundred measly meters.  The handsome gent hid away for several months, self confidence shattered.  Somewhere deep inside he found his heart and eventually mastered the marathon, the 50K, the 50 mile, and even the 100 mile.  Now what was this gorgeous man to do?

 

The man with lovely locks of hair thought he could do an Iron Man.  “Easy enough,” he says.  “After all, I am an accomplished endurance runner,” he comments with a smug tone.  “How difficult can this (Iron Man) be?  I’ve run 21 plus hours.  The Iron Man is only a 10-12 hour event – half the time.”  No one ever said this alluring gent had any brains.

 

One would think the tall and increasingly well tanned phenom, would have learned a lesson or two after many failed trail-and-error episodes of, “How difficult can this be,” statements.  You would think Mr. Beautiful’s every dream turns into a haunting nightmare of, “How difficult can this be,” replays.  One of these days the pretty-boy might learn his lesson. 

 

I’m sure this sweet man will never forget his first swim.  “How difficult can this be?”  He says, “It’s only 25 meters to the end and I am wearing the best form fitting swim attire on the market.  If you look good, you will swim good.  Why I bet I can swim a mile without any difficulty whatsoever.”  In yet another self confidence shattering attempt, the sleek man propelled himself to the far end of the pool and back.  After 50 meters he stood in the pool with his slim upper body flayed on the pool deck like a beached whale.  With his chin on his fury chest and his long arms dragging behind him, he slowly got out of the pool.  I thought I heard the self-defeated man say to himself, “How difficult can this be?”  What did the jack-wagon expect to happen? 

 

You would think the pulchritudinous (I had to look it up in Webster’s myself, it means physical comeliness) man would learn a lesson wouldn’t you?  Not a chance.  The resplendent man still regrets his first bike ride.  “How difficult can this be?”  He says, “I have consulted with experts, found the perfect machine, and emptied my bank account.  I have acquired stunning attire.  If I look good, I will ride far.  Why I bet I can ride 100 miles without any difficulty whatsoever.”  What followed was yet another self confidence shattering attempt.  The dazzling man barley fit his feet into the pedals, spun the wheels feverously for 5 miles, and disgracefully dismounted from the machine.  Turns out the exquisite man’s buns of steel were, quite sadly, not made of steel.  His delicate shoulders slumped.  As he loaded the machine into the car I thought I heard the dejected man say to himself, “How difficult can this be?”  What an idiot.

 

The fairy tale is not all bad.  The ravishing man has managed to make remarkable progress in a relatively short time span.  With a lot of heart and effort, sprinkled with the love a Sweetie, the statuesque man has managed to conquer the swim and be the master of his machine.  A 2 mile swim is becoming a matter of routine and a 100 mile ride is almost boring (well it is boring). 

 

How difficult can this be?   Plenty! 

Shower Rules

Shower Rules

Iron man training has provided me with yet another assessment of life’s mysteries.  Given my great disdain for weight training, it never occurred to me that fitness centers (in this case LA Fitness) needed to develop “Shower Rules.”  During a recent visit I observed numerous disgusting and maybe perverted practices.

1.       You must cover yourself when walking to the showers.  Especially parts that flap in the breeze.

2.       LA Fitness has 10 showers.  Five on one side and 5 on the other.  When entering the shower area it is unacceptable to use a shower directly across from an occupied shower.  Especially when 9 of 10 showers are vacant.

3.       When using a shower you must pull the curtain closed.  Especially if you occupy a shower directly across from someone else.  I really don’t want to see you rubbing yourself down with soap.

4.       When you have finished your shower you must towel off in the shower, preferably with the curtain closed.  Air drying by walking nude around the locker room is strictly prohibited.    

5.       This is important, no bending over with your naked backside facing the aisle to put your socks on.  Sit on the bench like all the others.  This is especially true if near the entrance or exit doors.  No one wants an uninvited face full of ass. 

Remember Your First Time?

I’m a few days from my first triathlon.  Knowing I trained too much or not enough.  Knowing and not knowing, all at the same time, what I can expect and what I can accomplish.  The anticipation of something new makes me think back on my first race.

I ran track for two weeks my freshman year in high school.  Oh, I’d like that opportunity again.  Not all the other crap, but the opportunity to replay running as a 13 year old athlete.  My school had one distance runner on the track team – a Junior (Paul).  Like many schools in my area, the track team was a way for football coaches to keep their players fit in the off season.   Runners were an unnecessary distraction.  Paul was not a football player, he was a runner.  I didn’t know this for a long time, but during Paul’s Sophomore year he ran under well under 5 minute miles and was truly feared by area distance runners. 

My first day of track the football coach spots this tall, 130 pound when wet, scrawny-ass punk hanging around.  I’m sure he rapidly deduced I was not football material.  He didn’t ask my name or why I was there.  He said, “Go with Paul.”  In less than 30 seconds I had become the Number 2 man on the “Distance Team.”  What did I do on Day 1 with Paul?  We ran 10 miles.  Paul took it easy on me.  He never said a word, but I ran the distance.  No watches, no cares, no worries.  Just Paul, me, and my black high top Converse shoes.  Paul and I repeated this run over the next 4 days. 

During Week two we had 2 track meets.   When the mile event came up during the first meet the coached told me to, “Go with Paul.”  So, I ran with Paul – like always, not knowing Paul was a running super star.  Either I hung with Paul for two laps or he was taunting me.  I still don’t know.    I do know I worked on my “fading with grace” techniques for the final two laps.  My high tops and I ran a 5:04 on a dirt track that day. 

I gave up running that week.  No one ever said if I did well or sucked.  The football coach was really pissed when I didn’t show for week three of track.   I was more determined than ever to not run because of the football ass.  It was years before I realized that I had missed what may have very well been a golden opportunity.   It’s funny and a little sad how we look at opportunity when revealed.    

IM Training Part 1 - The Bike

IM Training Part 1 – The Bike

I have been somewhat bored after completing quite a few crazy runner stunts.  I started thinking, “What other crazy-stupid things are out there for me to complete?”  I know, “An Ironman!”

As luck would have it, an IM is turning out to be a really crazy-stupid thing to do.  I selected IM Arizona.  It is in November when it is cool in AZ.  Smart thinking – right?  WRONG!!!!  The trouble with fall endurance events is the training occurs in hottest possible time of the year.  T-minus 20 training week starts July 2.  Oh my…., I didn’t think about that…,  How stupid could I be….  I figure I’m about as stupid as a barefoot runner.  I don’t understand why these freaks of nature have such a strong desire to revisit caveman days.  Not only did barefoot cavemen run barefoot, they also ate raw and decaying meat off mammoth carcasses because they didn’t have fire.  After they discovered how to use fire do you think they ever thought, “To hell with fire, me like raw red meat?”

Since beginning the IM bike training adventure I have discovered a few things.  Some hazardous, some humorous, and some just so stupid you have to laugh.  Let’s begin:

Butterflies:  Butterflies are beautiful as you run through a green meadow.  You may have even commented on how pretty they are to nearby runners.  Butterflies take on a whole new meaning at 20-30 mph.  Butterflies are like bullets zooming past your head.  I truly dislike pulling butterfly parts out of my fleshy checks after a ride.

Bottles:  I am certain the bottle companies have conspired to only manufacture bottle holders that will not hold a bottle.  The number of bottles on the side of the road during a bike rally is incredible.  That said, bikers manage to pull off two really stupid maneuvers during a “dropped bottle event.”  First is the biker that immediately hits the brakes, coming to a screeching halt in the middle of a pack of riders.  You know who you are.  Holy crap, will you please not do this anymore!   Remember the Frogger arcade game?  This is the other stupid maneuver.  You must be a complete idiot to drop your bike on the side of the road and then attempt to avoid speeding cyclists in your haphazard dash across the road to fetch your dropped bottle.  Idiot!

Pedal Clips:  Pedal clips are some sadistic bastard’s way of inflicting pain on the innocent.  Remember when you were a kid learning to ride a bike?  If you were a little off balance or needed real braking power you just put your foot (feet) down.  Not anymore.  Now you just fall over and break a collar bone.

Heat Stroke:  What’s worse, passing out a Chipotle after a 20 mile run (see “score one for the heat” blog) with a 105 degree heat index or passing out while riding your bike in 100 degree weather?  Hmmm.

Slow Bike Pace:  I now have an understanding of my “slow bike pace.”  Slow is anything below my half marathon PR pace.  Essentially, anything below 10 miles per hour is a complete disgrace.  If you can’t stay above 10 miles per hour then my advice is to stay home and drink beer.  Do us all a favor.

Sun Screen:  Think you put on enough sun screen?  You didn’t. Think you can trust others to properly apply sun screen to places you cannot reach?  You can’t.  My advice is that bike events should have a play-pool full of sun screen for participants to roll around in before starting.

Calories:  I think a woman developed the calories burned scale to discriminate against males (I’m sure my friend CC will agree with this comment).  I finish a 100 mile ride and Daily Mile indicates I burned 4200 calories.  My sweetie finishes a 40 mile ride (using less effort) and Daily Mile indicates she burned 2600 calories.  Sweetie’s equivalent for a 100 mile ride would be 6200 calories.  Ladies, you are only deceiving yourselves.

Karma:  At the finish of my first century ride in Wax-a-hoocie, two soon-to-be acquaintances sprinted by me in the final 20 yards.  Drum and Ninja, Karma is a bitch and she just wrote your names down. 

Bikers Have Nothing On Runners

OK, so it's only been a week.  It didn't take long to determine bikers have nothing on runners.

Bike pants vs running shorts.  The use of the word "pant" is an immediate clue that bikers don't have any sense of fashion or practical wear.  The "pant" comes with fitted a giant KOTEX pad.  The pad is sooooo large it makes you walk bow-legged.  Not to mention everything, and I mean everything the "pant" is supposed to "cover" is visible.  Nothing left to the imagination at all. 

Snot rockets.  I'll admit they are gross either way.  That said, a 25 mile per hour snot rocket is way more significant than one at 6-10 miles an hour.  Can you imagine getting hit by one of these?

Bank accounts:  Let's face it, bikers are always begging beers off runners.  Now I know why.  They have no money after buying the bike, bike "pants", liability insurance for their snot rockets, and a wide and diverse range of other assorted expenses.

Injuries:  Runners have real injuries.  They break bones, skin the knees, tear muscles, all the good injuries.  What is the number one biker injury?  I'll tell you, it's "SORE ASS SYNDROM."  Must be hard, setting on your ass for a couple hours.  And to think bikers call this "exercise." 

Crazy.

I am a Rain Runner

My favorite time to run is while it is raining.  Not the windblown needles in your face rain.  The straight down run through the curtain – rain.

The sensations are amazing.  Droplets dripping from the end of my nose, hair matted to the neck, clothes clinging to skin, clean air in the lungs, thumping of rain drops on pavement, and puddles parting on the foot strike. 

Let it rain.    

September 2010 Rahr 5K (18:15)

Score One for the Heat

From July 2012

Well there always has to be a first time.  The DC area is finally having their

heat wave (Late July 2012).  Thursday through Sunday the heat index is projected to be in the

105-115 range.  Unfortunately this overlapped my final long mileage training

weekend.  Undeterred or exceedingly careless, take your pick, I decided to forge

ahead with the plan.  The Friday afternoon schedule:  20 miles - 25 if I felt

good.

It's just before 3pm, hot and humid.  I'm having second thoughts.  Cut it

short.  Only do 10.  What do I do?  Put a smile on my face, try to be positive,

tell myself my TX buddies have been doing this all summer, you can handle the

heat.  So off I go.  Running on as much shaded trail as possible.  Drinking

plenty of fluids (more than ever).  Running slow (slower than ever).  Taking

electrolyte caps every 30 minutes.

4 miles in and a bee stings my right calf.  Not one to complain, I shooed the

beast away.  It only served to piss the little bugger off as it nailed my right

thigh.  Still smiling with a little teeth grinding and a SOB whisper, I swatted

at the creature.  I swear the thing was six inches long.  Now it's really

unhappy.  I managed to whack it with the water bottle and sprint ahead, damage

to right leg done.

Still undeterred I finished the full 20 miles.  Plenty of fluid (90-100

ounces and 4-5 full body rinse downs at water fountains).  Felt fine at the car

and headed out to find something to eat.

I settled on a Chipotle near the hotel.  I'm standing in line and getting really

annoyed at this lady that keeps adding on to her order and correcting items -

it's taking forever.  Just as I order my mind is telling me to, "Go sit

down!"  I'm like why, I need to get my food first.  The lady is still getting

extra chips and salsa.  I start to feel my body temp go up, head is burning hot,

and I'm getting a cold sweat.  I hear the voice again, "You better go sit

down!!!"  Still, I'm like you are almost there, pay, get a drink, then sit

down.  I pay for the food.  As I reach out for the tray I notice a little bit of

light headiness and my hands are trembling just a little.  The first available

table is open and I do my best to steer myself in that direction.  "I'm going to

make the table!"  Wrong.  Instead I fainted (first time ever).  Fell towards and

over a half wall right before the table.

Next thing I know there is a worker on each arm helping me to a chair.  They are

asking if I need an ambulance and what they can get me.  I got to say there was

about a 30 second window where in spite of the fainting I felt pretty good.  A

really nice relaxed feeling.  The feeling quickly changed to unberable heat and

exhaustion.  I found myself sitting in a pool of sweat sipping on a coke.  After

about ten minutes I found myself shaking from the cold.  After about 45 minutes

I finally managed to eat some food, finish a couple drinks, and make my way back

to the hotel.

As for now, I'm planning on skipping the two Saturday 20 milers and only doing 1

Sunday 20 miler.  I'm really disappointed because the run part of the Friday

afternoon run went well.  It's what happened 20 minutes later that spoiled all

the fun.  Oh well, it's what running is all about.  Finding new and improved

ways to mistreat the body.  Did I ever mention runners are nuts?