IM Training Part 1 - The Bike

IM Training Part 1 – The Bike

I have been somewhat bored after completing quite a few crazy runner stunts.  I started thinking, “What other crazy-stupid things are out there for me to complete?”  I know, “An Ironman!”

As luck would have it, an IM is turning out to be a really crazy-stupid thing to do.  I selected IM Arizona.  It is in November when it is cool in AZ.  Smart thinking – right?  WRONG!!!!  The trouble with fall endurance events is the training occurs in hottest possible time of the year.  T-minus 20 training week starts July 2.  Oh my…., I didn’t think about that…,  How stupid could I be….  I figure I’m about as stupid as a barefoot runner.  I don’t understand why these freaks of nature have such a strong desire to revisit caveman days.  Not only did barefoot cavemen run barefoot, they also ate raw and decaying meat off mammoth carcasses because they didn’t have fire.  After they discovered how to use fire do you think they ever thought, “To hell with fire, me like raw red meat?”

Since beginning the IM bike training adventure I have discovered a few things.  Some hazardous, some humorous, and some just so stupid you have to laugh.  Let’s begin:

Butterflies:  Butterflies are beautiful as you run through a green meadow.  You may have even commented on how pretty they are to nearby runners.  Butterflies take on a whole new meaning at 20-30 mph.  Butterflies are like bullets zooming past your head.  I truly dislike pulling butterfly parts out of my fleshy checks after a ride.

Bottles:  I am certain the bottle companies have conspired to only manufacture bottle holders that will not hold a bottle.  The number of bottles on the side of the road during a bike rally is incredible.  That said, bikers manage to pull off two really stupid maneuvers during a “dropped bottle event.”  First is the biker that immediately hits the brakes, coming to a screeching halt in the middle of a pack of riders.  You know who you are.  Holy crap, will you please not do this anymore!   Remember the Frogger arcade game?  This is the other stupid maneuver.  You must be a complete idiot to drop your bike on the side of the road and then attempt to avoid speeding cyclists in your haphazard dash across the road to fetch your dropped bottle.  Idiot!

Pedal Clips:  Pedal clips are some sadistic bastard’s way of inflicting pain on the innocent.  Remember when you were a kid learning to ride a bike?  If you were a little off balance or needed real braking power you just put your foot (feet) down.  Not anymore.  Now you just fall over and break a collar bone.

Heat Stroke:  What’s worse, passing out a Chipotle after a 20 mile run (see “score one for the heat” blog) with a 105 degree heat index or passing out while riding your bike in 100 degree weather?  Hmmm.

Slow Bike Pace:  I now have an understanding of my “slow bike pace.”  Slow is anything below my half marathon PR pace.  Essentially, anything below 10 miles per hour is a complete disgrace.  If you can’t stay above 10 miles per hour then my advice is to stay home and drink beer.  Do us all a favor.

Sun Screen:  Think you put on enough sun screen?  You didn’t. Think you can trust others to properly apply sun screen to places you cannot reach?  You can’t.  My advice is that bike events should have a play-pool full of sun screen for participants to roll around in before starting.

Calories:  I think a woman developed the calories burned scale to discriminate against males (I’m sure my friend CC will agree with this comment).  I finish a 100 mile ride and Daily Mile indicates I burned 4200 calories.  My sweetie finishes a 40 mile ride (using less effort) and Daily Mile indicates she burned 2600 calories.  Sweetie’s equivalent for a 100 mile ride would be 6200 calories.  Ladies, you are only deceiving yourselves.

Karma:  At the finish of my first century ride in Wax-a-hoocie, two soon-to-be acquaintances sprinted by me in the final 20 yards.  Drum and Ninja, Karma is a bitch and she just wrote your names down.