Embracing the Butt-Whooping by T-Roy
Not too long ago I ventured out on a long run. I didn’t feel well, wanted to try-out a hydro-pack full of water, wore my heavy trainers, and the wind was blowing. Why is it Dylan believed answers were blowing in the wind? I ask and ask and never get a reply. As I laced my shoes I knew success for the run would be marginal. I had the feeling that the butt-whooping was coming. I began thinking of times I grabbed the ankles for my junior high PE coach and his beating stick. Weren’t those the good ole days? Parents sent their kids to school so teachers and coaches could hit them with inanimate objects. My third grade teacher called her stick Rachel. If your name is Rachel I probably don’t like you.
Yes, you’re right; this is supposed to be a running column. What’s a person to do on butt-whooping day? Endure, cut it short, or skip the run? Being a fan of misery, skipping the run altogether is simply not an option. Sometimes just getting started is enough to avoid the butt-whooping altogether. It’s amazing how many times you feel lousy getting out of the car and feel great about a mile in to the run. Note to joggers: This method of avoiding the butt-whooping only works for runnersJ
One way to fully appreciate the butt-whooping is to intentionally run a long out and back. Why run a short loop that provides multiple opportunities to quit. You are much better off if you head out 7-10 miles in one desolate direction (Trinity Park going anywhere North). It’s even better if you decide to run with the wind on the way out. Even though you can feel the legs getting heavy and the fuel in the belly heading towards empty, just keep going another mile or two. What would we think if your daily mile posting is in the single digits? When you reach the water mirage it’s safe to turn around, head back, and take the butt-whooping with pride.
Now what, walk? Walking is for wussies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the “W” stands for “WALKERS.” Get over it already, Eat It, whatever. If you choose not to embrace your wussie, what do you do, jog? There is no “J” in RAW. If you add “J” then you must add S, K, C and B. What clever quip does RAWSBJC make? Think of “jogging” as ultraRUNNING-training. I know a lot ultraRUNNING-trainees. They all suffer from a common disorder, ultra-registration phobia. Option 1 on butt-whooping day is to practice your “ultraRUNNING-training.” We will all be impressed and understand why your run took half the day.
Not an ultraRUNNER-trainer? Too bad. Your day is about to get real ugly. You decide to suck it up and keep going. Seriously, were you dropped on your head as an infant? First, if the stomach is ok during the butt-whooping then use Cheat 1 by gu/geling-up. For the alternative runner, try Powershots. Hopefully you are packing water and can perform Cheat 2. Splash water on your face and legs. Electrolytes burn the eyes something fierce and the sugar makes for a sticky mess. Of course, this might be ok if you find someone willing to lick your face. Still in butt-whooping mode? Try Cheat 3, out run the butt-whooping. Quarter mile pick-ups with a 30 second float is actually crazy enough to work. My favorite, Cheat 4 (scientifically proven to never fail), is to pass a slower runner and smack their butt as you go by. Pick someone able to deliver a real butt-whooping. That way you can take full advantage of your sympathetic nervous system’s “flight” response.
When all the cheats fail, fully embrace your butt-whooping. Call a taxi, buy an extra-large strawberry milkshake, and dump it on your head; you namby pamby jack wagon!
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