What Good Spectators Should Do

It’s What the Good Spectator Does

T-Roy Pruett

Let me just state up front, if you are easily offended by feeble attempts at dry humor, go to the next article.  If you are in luck, the editorial board has censored (rightfully so) any highly offensive commentary.  In case something slipped by, I’m not interested in your complaints involving political correctness.   Several RAW members unknowingly chipped in during one of many shade-tree sessions.  I will take credit for the packaging and not the ideas of the few, the proud, the insensitive.

We have all been there, spectator and runner alike.  I have deduced that spectators are the worst liars in the business.  Would you want a spectator to represent you in court?  Where do spectators’ get off with their cups of coffee and beer, sitting in the shade of a 200 year oak tree, in a comfy lounge chair, shouting at runners?  

There are always several good spectators at the start line:  “Ha, ha, only 26 miles to go, ha, ha!”  As if this cheery retort will block all the pain and suffering.  If they had only been there when I hit the send button.  What they should be saying, “You poor dumb S.O.B.  Didn’t your momma teach you anything?”

It’s good to know you look your best near the end.  I know this because good spectators always tell me I’m a good looking guy (Of course I already know I’m handsome and don’t need to be reminded).  I don’t know why runners spend so much time buying designer clothes and make-up.  All you need to do is run 18 miles just before work, the big interview, or your hot date.   What they should say is, “You look pathetic, stop slinging sweat all over the place, and my baby crawls faster than you run.”

I love the good spectator comment, “It’s all down-hill from here.”  This is a frequent secret piece of information shared with the down trodden.  Naturally the good spectator knows this because of the extensive research performed while training to sit in a lounge chair.  What they should say is, “Get ready for the 3 percent grade half mile hill the sadistic race director placed a mile up the road.”

This bit of encouragement from the good spectator always makes me happy, “Only one mile to go!”  What exactly is at the end of that one mile destination?  No matter the race, it’s definitely not the finish line!  Reminds me of the Cool Hand Luke movie quote, “What we have here is a failure to communicate.”   How can so many people be so wrong?  I didn’t know so many people went to Texas A&M (Gibberish hurts when it’s true Amy M.).  What they should say is, “You think it hurts now, you still have miles and miles to go.”   

Good spectator wisdom also has its charm. “It hurts just as much to walk as it does run, so you might as well run.”  Surely they have never gone the distance.   You run your butt off and just can’t quite hold on to the pace.  When it’s gone baby it’s gone.  What they should say is, “Get out of the way of those that actually train hard,” and “Why don’t you sit down, have a good cry, and catch the sag wagon.”

You have to appreciate the finish. The great spectator shouts, “You did it!  What an accomplishment!  Way to go!”  What they really think is, “How do I get the medal before they put it on so I can wear it?”  What they should say is, “You are 20 minutes behind the predicted finish time, I’m tired of waiting for you, I need to use the bathroom, can you get me a banana, and what do you mean you want to hang around.” 

My advice.  Next time you are a spectator, just tell it like it is.