Runners R Nuts - July 2011

Runners R Nuts!

Troy Pruett

During the Bernheim Marathon it came to me that runners, especially marathon runners, are absolutely nuts.  I used to think those that sat on their ass eating fried chicken and ice cream; adding a pound a week to the waistline, were deficient.  If only they became one with the joy of running then somehow all would be right with the world.

Insanity is characterized by abnormal mental or behavioral patterns and may manifest as violations of societal norms, including becoming a danger to oneself.  A person suffers from idiocy if they are mentally deficient or act in a self-defeating or counterproductive way.  Any of this ringing your bell?

About 0.15% (0.0015) of the U.S. population has finished a marathon.  I imagine 100% of the population has chowed-down on a piece of KFC and more importantly, experienced brain freeze from eating ice cream too fast.  Clearly running a marathon is a violation of societal norms.  Who are the crazies?

I’m still looking for the stats, but I’m wondering how many folks regained their sanity and never ran another marathon.  I’m guessing about 99.99% of those that finished one marathon never considered a second marathon.  You belong in the Saturday morning line-up to run three or more (keep with me people – loony tunes).  Shouldn’t you be embarrassed to admit double-digit marathons?  No wonder so many “non-runners” start looking for exit signs when anyone mentions they have run several marathons – they’re in the company of a psychopath and are afraid for their lives!

Good news is that you can find a list of the worst insane-o-macs for free.  Just check out the 50 states or marathon maniacs’ websites.  Full of nut jobs too far gone to realize they have a problem.  Imagine how the normal people feel to find out a running club exists in their community.  An actual gang of loonie-tunes running through their neighborhoods and parks.  Someone needs to think of the children! 

Not so fast you say?  Unfair treatment?  Where is my sense of acceptance in the diversity of others?  Well, all I ask is that you ponder your reality:

1.       Who in their right mind decides to run a marathon in 100 degree weather?  I’ll tell you, people acting in counterproductive ways.  Ever wonder why you fade during a hot run?  It’s you being a danger to yourself.

2.       Who gets back from a run and says it sure is hot, or cold, or windy out there today?  Did you have to run to figure this out?  Turn on the Weather Channel for Pete’s sake! 

3.       The first time you complete a marathon it hurts for days.  Can’t walk, can’t squat on the toilet, and can’t go down stairs.  What do you do – another marathon because you think it must get better.  NEWS ALERT:  It doesn’t!  If you are addicted to pain there are many short-cuts.  Shake a bee hive, kick a rabid dog, jump in the lion’s den at the zoo, all are good.  

4.       It’s only street runners that are insane.  Trail running is so much better.  Really?  I mean REALLY?  Trip, fall, break a leg (better?).  Trip, fall, scrape both knees and suffer through clothes sticking on oozing scabs for weeks (better?).  Tick bite leads to spotted fever (better?).  Tree limb pokes out eye (better?).  Impaled on tree stump (better?).  Then there is the whole arachnid issue – YIKES!

5.       Trail running is better because some events are at night.  Trail running at night leads to:  making love to a tree, free falling off the ridge, swimming in the river, and lots of “walking” at night. 

6.       Who collects lost toe nails for jewelry?  It’s what’s wrong with America, runners placing their trust in a necklace made of nasty torn-off toe nails and not their elected officials.  Take your nasty nails to the voter’s booth.  Maybe we will have better representatives.

7.       If you will not wear it to the mall then why do you wear it on a public sidewalk?  I’ll tell you:  mental deficiency.  Better yet, just wear more of something… please.  I really don’t need to repeat the muscular-skeletal biology lecture every weekend.

8.       What’s better than an insane runner?  An insane running alcoholic.  You know who you are and I’m tired of your lameness.  Drinking club with a running problem my ass.  Run to the point of severe dehydration and chug three beers.  That’s an acceptable societal norm?  Four beers in ten minutes.  Yes, you did run a mile, so that makes it completely acceptable!?

9.       Any idea how many beers you can buy for the price of a pair of shoes?   What normal person spends $500 on running shoes each year?  Why that’s almost 370 bottles of beer (1 for each day).

10.   Don’t drink beer?  Throw in all the crazy entry fees, electrolytes, GU’s, massages, running clothes, transportation, reading material, and pain killers and that makes for about 370 bottles of wine (1 for each day).  Quit running and drink more, the world will be a happier place.    

11.   Only a bipolar numb-skull gets up before 5 a.m. to run.  Running in the middle of the night screws up the body’s natural bio-rhythm.  A word of advice:  SLEEP, it’s what a person is meant to do.  If you are getting up before 5 a.m. make it worthwhile and burn calories between the sheets.   

12.   The only thing that violates societal norms more than running a marathon is the triathlete (aka sadist).  The only gratification they can achieve is through their perversion of self-inflicted physical and mental pain.  There should be a special island for these beyond treatment nut jobs.   

13.   The true measure of how crazy you are is the ability to convince others to do equally stupid stuff.  Drum must be at the extreme edge, after all she managed to get way to many idiots to run 3 mountains in 3 days and run a perfectly good trail, wait for it, in the dark.

14.   How about the trackies?  A whole crew of insane people.  This one is really too easy.  Only lunatics wait until it’s 100 degrees (120 at track level) to run as many laps as they can as fast as they can.   

15.   What about the wussie judge (WJ)?  A mastermind or Charles Manson?  This running lunatic managed to get dozens of mentally challenged people to walk away from the true path and into schizophrenia.  1o-Kers and joggers are so easy to manipulate.

16.   Ultrarunner equals ULTRASTUPID.

17.   Run more miles in a day than your commute to work?  This is a crazy person warning sign.

18.   There are several obsessive compulsive crazies.  They have elaborate spreadsheets to track the exact number of miles run in their last 100 pairs of running shoes.

19.   Find yourself smiling to see a porta-john on a long run?  Remember when you thought porta-johns were nasty and avoided them like the plague? 

20.   Ever spend hours listening to a self-defeating runner describe every injury they have (tendonitis, fasciitis, broken bone, sprains, torn muscles, etc…)?  What did you see them doing 10 minutes later?  Running.   Why were they running?  Because they are an idiot!

All normalcies aside, I love running.  Running fills my inner strength.  Running puts my soul at peace.  Running makes me one with my surroundings.  And yes, running makes me crazy!